The Dance of Intimacy Pdf Download

The Dance of Intimacy: A Woman’s Guide to Courageous Acts of Change in Key Relationships Hardcover – April, 1989
Author: Visit ‘s Harriet Lerner Page ID: 0060160675

From Publishers Weekly

This sensible self-help book draws on family-systems therapy in recommending thoughtful “self-focus” for women stuck in difficult relationships with either mates or families. Emphasizing that “a truly intimate relationship is one in which we can be who we are, which means being open about ourselves,” Lerner ( The Dance of Anger ; Women in Therapy ) highlights the importance of women defining themselves, their needs and limits, rather than reacting to anxiety unthinkingly–either by emotionally distancing themselves from problems or by overreacting. A staff psychologist and psychotherapist at the Menninger Clinic, Lerner illustrates her points with case studies from her family as well as her practice. To explore what unhelpful patterns of behavior may be passed down from past generations, she advises creating a genogram, or family diagram, going back to a person’s grandparents or earlier. Lerner’s book presumes at least an acquaintance with professional jargon but should be accessible to most readers of pop psychology.
Copyright 1989 Reed Business Information, Inc.

Review

“Subtle and literate, “The Dance of Intimacy” is like a long, revealing conversation with a wise and compassionate friend.” — Maggie Scarf”Dr. Lerner has a truly remarkable ability to analyze our problems with intimacy. She has written a hopeful, respectful, and transforming book.” — Carol C. Nadelson, M.D., former president of the American Psychiatric Association”A wise and compassionate book that will teach the reader much about the complex emotions our family and love relationships engender.” — Lillian B. Rubin, Ph.D., author of “Intimate Strangers”

–This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.

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Hardcover: 255 pagesPublisher: Harpercollins; 1st edition (April 1989)Language: EnglishISBN-10: 0060160675ISBN-13: 978-0060160678 Product Dimensions: 6.1 x 1.1 x 11.1 inches Shipping Weight: 3.2 ounces Best Sellers Rank: #422,291 in Books (See Top 100 in Books) #2312 in Books > Self-Help > Relationships > Interpersonal Relations #16568 in Books > Health, Fitness & Dieting > Psychology & Counseling #25850 in Books > Politics & Social Sciences > Social Sciences

After reading the Dance of Anger I was very eager to read this book. It is amazingly helpful. I especially appreciated the chapters on distancing, "overfunctioning" and how to bring up very hot issues with difficult people. I liked the author’s realism, that she tells us that it’s OK to move "at glacial speed" and that it’s the direction and not the speed of travel that matters. She has so much wisdom and gives so much concrete advice without oversimplifying things. I also loved the chapter on "defining a bottom line" because it helped me make an important change in a relationship where I was complaining, but not really taking a bottom line position. Plus, Lerner is a great feminist in the best sense of the word.

I like how this book easily classifies people into distancers, and pursuers. It is fairly easy to see where someone falls in terms of being a distancer and a pursuer. From knowing this, determines how you should better communicate with your partner. Now while this book does not suggest dramatic change over night, it does suggest making small changes that can make large results.

I also like that she doesn’t set the reader up to expect dramatic changes from the other person. She suggests in how to better communicate with the other person, whether it is your partner, parent, or child. Then she also teaches you to set some boundaries, and make sure you take good care of yourself first.

I like this realistic approach to relationships. The knowledge in this book can apply to many different types of relationships, do you don’t have to have a significant other to benefit from this book. Its well worth the read.

Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, however, I feel the comments from the UK couldn’t be further from what Dr. Lerner is trying to say. First of all, she does not prescribe solutions but rather offers examples of struggles others have faced and how they have dealt with them. She is careful to state that it is possible for none of her examples to be useful in one’s situation. Second, she addresses all relationships–mother, father, sibling, friend, lover, spouse–not just mother-daughter. What I see as a key theme is the fact that every individual is unique and carries with them a background and outlook that shapes their reactions to the world. There is a saying in Spanish: every person is a world. We must understand this background and outlook (their world) before we can ever hope to understand an individual. Most importantly, we must understand ourselves and how, when and why we react the way we do (our world) before we can ever hope to understand anyone else. Intimacy is challenging and change takes time and small steps. Intimate communication in strained situations can often initially create more conflict than resolution. Trying to find the humor in a situation and to express oneself in a non-threatening and non-judgmental manner often goes a long way towards opening the doors for better communication. I believe all advice is worth listening to. But, as with any advice, you take from it what you find useful and leave the rest alone. It is a book written by a woman, for women, so men may not find it as inspiring; being a woman, I really enjoyed it. I also found it to be a great read, a great challenge, and full of food for thought.

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